also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
