I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Randomize
