Is it proper Ass-Fingering-Etiquette to tell her u felt her poop or just pretend it didn't happen?
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
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