can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
