Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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