remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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