just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
