I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
The uberlube is also flammable
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
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