my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Randomize
