just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Randomize
