Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
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