We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
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