i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Of course I have a pirate flag
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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