i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
