im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
