remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Randomize
