I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Randomize
