Im at strip club and am horny
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
