he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
