obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
