She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
