When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Randomize
