The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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