i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
I like my sex mixed with concussions.
Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
