if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
ttyl tear gas
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Randomize
