Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize
