Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
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