i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Randomize
