I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
if it makes u feel better, i skipped class so i could go to a sex convention in jersey a few hours earlier than if i went to class.
Randomize
