Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
