how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
You took a bar mat shot.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
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