First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
