I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
