if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
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