he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
