you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
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Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
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I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
the liver wants what the liver wants
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
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