when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Randomize
