I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
It's rum buckets o'clock
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Randomize
