someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I need to calm my uterus...
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Randomize
