I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
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