I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
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