Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
