I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Randomize
