Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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