The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
