Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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