FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
Dating After Heartbreak
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
These Images Prove Chrissy Teigen is the Funniest Model Alive
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows