you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Randomize
