moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
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