If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
3 2 1 whiskey
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
