There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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