u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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